last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
