I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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