I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
