I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
