i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Vodka?
Forever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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