I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
