Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
