She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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