Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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