in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
there is glitter all over my balls
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