I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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