This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
