I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
