I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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