Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
