I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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