All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
