his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
