I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
