her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
