take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
