guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
