To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
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Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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