he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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