im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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