I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
