I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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