If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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