Your face is a jimmy john
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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