How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This baby is an asshole
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
