My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
