the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
