can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
