Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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