Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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