i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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