I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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