i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This house was built for laser tag.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
