8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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