ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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