youre lurking in front of me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
