life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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