I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
