Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
