Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
