You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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