I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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