Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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