I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
