The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
