you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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