I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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