Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
