idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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