insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
