quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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