Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
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OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize