I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
