My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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