worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
