Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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