I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
