I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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