Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
